Tips and Tools!
Food for thought that may resonate:
Do you remember how light your baby felt when you picked them up? Do you remember the light inside you that saw their perfection? As they grew, you began to add things to their “outside”. A load of Expectations, Rules, Boundaries, Barriers, and more. With best intentions. To keep them safe. To keep you sane.
As they grew more, you began to add Consequences and Rewards and in some cases Stern Voices and Behavior Charts, or worst case Alarming Actions, to keep them from resisting the added load. Soon, those light perfect beings were feeling heavier. And inevitably, imperfect.
When our loads get heavy (think of going up steep steps carrying groceries, cat litter +) we feel the added weight. We sigh. We complain. We feel taxed. Acting out is a way a child communicates that they are feeling flawed and taxed.
The older children get, the more this cycle intensifies. I call that working from the outside-in to manage parent-child lives. Your child feels less perfect and more shame. SO DO YOU.
What if you broke the cycle of more rules, more resistance, more frustration, more threats, more rewards, more weight?
Let’s put everything in reverse. Work from the inside-out!
Before the rules-rewards-actions-consequences are running the show, you can build your own sense of self and theirs. Forgive yourself when your feelings flare. Take some space when you are triggered. You are entitled to time to breathe. Repair a breach by reminding a child they are loved. Demonstrate love when you add an expectation so love becomes an action, not just the words, “I love you.” Adding an expectation when you’re heated won’t feel like an expectation; it will feel like a punishment.
TIP: Adding a laundry list of outside regulators becomes too heavy for you and your child to manage. Work from the inside-out.
TOOL: Figure out your triggers so you know when to take a break before you say and do something that doesn’t help. Help them figure out theirs. You can settle down before adding more rules, warnings, consequences and rewards.
